i need help (TW: MENTAL AND PHYSICAL SH, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ABUSE))

So when I was 7, I found out that cutting myself on purpose, banging my head and body against walls, and much more, was sh. I was also that age when my dad was the most abusive. He yelled and blamed me for not doing anything, he always took my sisters side even if it was her fault, and he would lock me in my room until "lunch time."(basically when he realized that I could starve to death and he would be charged with murder) It wasnt until 2 years ago that my mom finally got a divorce. I did cry, but not at the fact that I wont live with my dad, but at the fact that I would still have to see him even after the divorce. I moved in with my aunt and uncle. I thought I had escaped the abuse, but this was the worst 2 and a half years of my life. My uncle was the same as my dad but never locked me in my room or hit me, and my aunt was a narcissist. She would blackmail my sister, her children, but would mainly do it to me. I didnt understand why everyone but my mom and her side of the family (except my aunt ofc) abused me, used me, or just flat out ignored me. Then I thought it was because I had adhd, so I got...thoughts. That went one for about a year until I hear my aunt say to my little cousin "ok well because you have been bad, im going to call the police." I rush downstairs while shes "calling the police" and hug my little cousin that just wanted A SNACK. I get pushed and pushed away by my aunt then i tell my cousin in the calmest voice I could, "wanna go upstairs and watch bluey with me?" He hugged me so tight after saying yes. That is when the thoughts calmed down for a while. Anyway what has any of this have to do with sh? When we, my sister and mom, got our own house I started thinking poorly of myself, im cutting and picking skin more than ever before, im banging my head against my bed, couch, and sometimes walls, and i try and try to stop but i cant and idk why. If i fail at something, i punish myself by doing anything i just mentioned, and yes it does hurt but it feel good at the same time? idk whats wrong with me. Anyway im sorry for the long paragraph, note my dad has not changed in the slightest, I hope none of you have this problem. I wrote this not to just get help, but to also see what i need to do to at least calm down on this habit. Stay wormy.