memes and other shit bc we can

hr is random shit we thot of at 1 am (the time we're writing this) TW: sh/si mention, drug rimes w/ grug, gay, vry gay, ok there's js lot of gay, child abuse mention so basicly this is just sus jokes, angst, fluff, and lore bc ya Lyre anoyed at Tommy: fuck u Toms: fuck me ur self Saturn walking by: Heuioah Sap: nthn (0///0) Tommy: I'm 10 times funnier & sexier Sap: 10 x 0 is still 0 tho Toms: jocks on u I can't do math Harp (Saturn's adopted child) walking in the room: sry I was late I was uhm doing...... 'things'......... *loud running foot steps prorgesvly getting closer* Lyre (bio) Dad (aka mf): SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS D'oro: violence isn't the answer Rex: ur right D'oro: *sigh of relief* Rex: it's the question D'oro: WAT? Rex running away w/ bomb & Lighter: & THE ANSWER IS YES D'oro: NO- Saturn: u often use humor to deflect ur trauma Lyre: thx Saturn: I didn't say it was good Lyre: so wat I'm hearing that u think I'm funny -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre and Luka's lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (Edit1:) Tommy walking in on Lyre and Sap building shapes w/ cigeretes: wat the fuck is wrong u 2 ?! Sap: wat ever happened 2 gm ? Toms: gm wat the fuck is wrong w/ u !?!? Techno: I'm a reveres necromancer Saturn: Isn't that just killing people Techno: eeeeeeeh posibly Badboyhalo: wat is ur biggest weakness Lyre: I can be uncooperative Bad: can u give me an example Lyre: no D'oro: Treat spiders the way u want 2 be treated Lyre: KILLED W/O HESITATION Tommy: nooooooooooooo Bad: wat do u tell urself when ur having impellses 2 throw urself of a cliff Lyre: YEET Skeppy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre and Luka's lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit2:) D'oro: date some1 who will drag u outside at 3am 2 look at the stars Saturn: if Techno ever did that IDC how much I luv him he will be removed from both my life & his own Philza: do u take constroctive critasim Lyre: I only take cash or credit Technoblade in a syndicate meeting: if u cc smthn say smthn Tommy: I saw a squirrel in a tree 2day! Techno in the tone of some1 who is used 2 toms: outstanding work this wat we're talking about people cc!Scar: slash game mode creative cc!Grian: bro this isn't min- cc!Scar: *starts flying* Lyre: When I was ur age- Harp, mocking Lyre: When I was ur height. Lyre: Listen here u little shit!- Gem: I luv murder mysteries! Pearl, trying to impress her: I've been a suspect in 4 murder cases. Quackity: Do u need help getting up? Wilbur: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor. @ a zoo Saturn: What are they in for? Phil: Saturn this isn't prison. Saturn: So they can leave? Phil: No, but- Saturn, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that 1 murdered some1. D'oro: u need 2 stop swearing so much. Rex: Shut the fuck up. D'oro: Ya, that's not how u do it. Rex: Alright sry. It's just that it's hard not to swear. The words js creep up on me when I least expect it. D'oro: Now now, don't be like that. Just replace the swear words with 'beep' & u'll be fine. Rex: Shit the beep up. D'oro: REX Rex: SHUT, DAMMIT! I MEANT SHUT! Grian: u and I r gonna have a lot of fun............. GAY FUN! Scar: well this is not how I expected 2 spend my Saturday Gem: GRIAN Grian: CAN'T U SEE WE'RE BUZY -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre and Luka's lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit3:) Saturn: u luv me right Tech Technoblade: Normally I'd say yes without hesitation but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don't like it Rain: I prevented a murder today Ashton: Really How'd u do that Rain: self control Rex: Am I in trouble? D'oro: Take a guess. Rex: No? D'oro: Take another guess. -- 🕷️♡🥦Rex and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit4:) Saturn: I'm gonna need a human skull and I can't have u ask any questions y. Lyre: Only if u also don't ask how *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take ur pick. Saturn: ... Lyre: ... Saturn: This 1 is fine Techno: Man, I only ever see u awake do u ever shut down or stop running? Tommy: Oh, I'm always runing the question is... from what Sapnap: Is letting someone win @ chess Sapiosexual bottoming Lyre: Does anyone in this godforsaken SMP ever think before they speak? Pihza: Where are u going? Wilbur: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I'll decide in the car. Techno: I'm going 2 take u out Saturn: great, it's a date! Techno: I meant that as a threat. Saturn: See you at 5 don't be late! Lyre watching the news: Some1 tried 2 fight a squid @ the aquarium 2day! Toms: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick. Grian: 3 words. Say them and I'm ur's. Scar: 3 words Rain: Can u plz be serious for 5 minutes? Ashton: My record is 4, but I think I can do it. Rain: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. Ashton: u and me!!! Rain, tearing up: Ok. Sapnap, struggling 2 keep upright in 1 inch heels: Ya, I-I don't rly think heels r 4 me Toms, pointing @ him & walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK. *Lyre and Harp r doing something absurdly dangerous* Lyre: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time! Harp, deadpan: Well that's encouraging. Toms: I was arrested 4 being 2 cool. Wilbur: The charges were dropped due 2 a lack of supporting evidence. Ashton: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them?? Rain: What the hell do you do? Ashton: I die? What kinda question- Kidnapper: I have ur luver. Techno: What? I don't have a luver... Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face? Technoblade: Oh my god, you have Saturn Saturn: I want to kiss u. Techno, not paying attention: Wat? Saturn: I said if u die, I wont miss u. Quackity, trying 2 comfort Sapnap: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there. Lyre: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this! Harp: Apparently, we're not. Tubbo: u have ur weirdly sincere humility. Ti-Ti (Tubbo's disowned lil sister): I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually. Wilbur: Remember wat I told you. Quackity: Don’t be a cunt. Sapnap, admiring a sleeping Lyre: u're so cute. Lyre, sleepily: I could beat ur ass. Toms, lovingly: we know. Blizzard (Lyre's villain name), holding an ax: u know ur talking a lot of shit for someone who has 2 perfectly good eyeballs each cost about $16,000 on the blackmarket. 404 (Gorge's hero name): .... Blizzard: *lip smack* Etho: u r an absolute fucking dork. Joel, singing: Ya, but I'm ur dork! Etho: *sighs* Ya, u're my dork. Ashton: I’m quick @ math. Rain: Ok, wat’s 38 times 76? Ashton: 24. Rain: That wasn’t even close. Ashton: But it was quick. Wilbur: Tech is not a morning person. Or a night person. There’s really only about seven minutes a day he's fun 2 be around. Techno: The best part is u never know when they’re coming. Rex: I js wanna be called cute 21/7. D'oro: y not 24/7? Rex: Snack breaks. -- 🕷️♡🥦Rex and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit5:) Ranboo, fronting every night & keeping us up bc they don't sleep: I'm bored, any suggestions? Evey1 else: Sleeping is nice. Ranboo: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it. D'oro: y shouldn't u put a toaster in a bathtub full of water? Rex: Because ur toast would get soggy! Technoblade: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules. Tommy: Wat? Techno: Is there a point system, or is it to the death? cc!Scar, texting cc!Grian: Roses r red, Tony Hawk is a skater… cc!Grian′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving rn–I’ll get back to u later. *Later* cc!Grian, texting back: Fuck u Ashton: Wat? I'm not aggressive! Rain: Last Tuesday, u wacked me w/ a pair of crocs & stole my chocolate chips? Ashton: Survival of the fittest, bitch. Skeppy: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP- Bad: LANGUEGE and y would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE?? Skeppy: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES! Toms: That was so hot, Lyre. Lyre: I literally called the person who just flirted with u 2 a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets. Sapnap: we're so in luv with u. Quackity: Wat does a winner do when life gives them lemons? Wilbur: Um, make lemonade? Quackity: No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes! -- 🕷️♡🥦Rex and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit6:) Philza: where r u going? Techno: Hell, eventually. Saturn: I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that'll be 3 of the big 5 licenses. Techno: The big 5 licenses? Lyre, budding in: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, & the license 2 kill! I can't wait 2 get that 1. Lyre: u read my diary? Wilbur: @ first I didn't know it was ur diary. I thot it was a very sad handwritten book. Toms: I'm gonna nickname my child "Lil Bitch". Wilbur: I see u're passing on ur name. Olive (Ti-Ti's adopted mumza): r u mad? Ti-Ti: No. Ember (Olive's wife but not Ti-Ti's legle parent): So sharpening ur knives @ 3 in the morning is js a hobby? *While the Syndicate is in a battle* Blizzard, trying 2 warn about the location of an enemy: 2 the left! Applo (tommy's villain name): Take it back now y'all! Dream: Come on Gorge, do it for our friendship. u can't put a price on that... Gorge: Yes I can, dear. $50. Toms: I think this might be a bad idea... Lyre: Don't start thinking on me now! Sapnap, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks. Lyre: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks. Lyre: Oh, here’s my award 4 the most rules broken! Harp: That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from ur boss. Lyre, hanging it on his wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award! Wilbur: I'll offer u some friendly advice- Quackity: I don't want ur advice. Wilbur: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice. Techno: What's wrong with u? Lyre: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression. Inforno (sapnap's villain name): Wat’s up? I’m back. Siren (Wilbur's villain name): I literally saw u die. u died. u were dead Inforno (sapnap's villain name): Death is a social construct. Tommy: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them? Wilbur: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them. Toms: Okay yeah thanks Wilbur, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT? Wilbur: We’re having a moment, aren’t we? Quackity: If by 'a moment' u mean me not wanting 2 strangle u 4 the first time since we met, then I guess we r. Rex: It’s nice 2 be wanted, u know? D'oro: Not by the law! Rex: y should I make my bed, when I'm js gonna unmake it 2 sleep in it anyways? D'oro: y should I feed u if ur js gonna die anyways? Rex:.....................I'll go make my bed- Quackity: Why are you drinking? Wilbur: I drink when I'm depressed. Quackity: But you're always drinking? Wilbur: *smug grin* Toms: Wether or not I pay income taxes is non of the govmnt's business. Phil: No, well, actually, it is. Toms: u don't know my name or what I look like, good fucking luck finding me. Rex: I am 28 cheetos tall. D'oro: y... r u measuring ur height in cheetos? Rex: Because we're out of doritos. Lyre: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into- Skeppy: You sleep with a teddybear. Lyre: hE's My SeCoNd In CoMmAnD iN mY aRmY oF dArKnEsS! Wilbur: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium* Quackity: Wilbur, what did you think a tiger shark was? Rex: *is visibly upset* D'or: Rex, wat happened? I haven't seen u like this since u found out candyland wasn't an actual country. Toms: r u busy? Techno: Yes. Tommy: Cool, listen 2 this... Scar: honk. Grian: WAT. Scar: HONK. Grian: WAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME U WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT????? D'oro: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail. Rex: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station. Saturn: Why are you doing this? Sap: Same reason we do everything, Saturn. To get Lyre 2 like us. Lyre: Start talking! Wilbur: Well, I- Lyre: Shut up! Wilbur, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy. Quackity: I will short out the language centre of ur brain if u say anything like that ever again. Luka: y are you burning our marriage certificate!? Us: Good luck trying to return us w/o a receipt. Techno: Wat r u eating? Saturn: u wouldn't like it, it's really salty. Tech: I like u, don't I? Sap: Wat r u drinking? Lyre: Vodka. Toms: Straight? Lyre: No, gay. y? Lyre: All the snacks r gone. Sapnap and Tommy in unisin: WE R LITERALLY RIGHT HERE?! Bad: Lyre, you're testifying in an aggravated assault case tomorrow, and the D.A. is worried about how you'll present yourself on the stand. Lyre: Why? I'm fine on the stand! *flashback to Testimony #1* Lyre: Look, I'll make this real simple so even these dumdums can understand (to the jury) MAN. DID. CRIME. *flashback to Testimony #2* Lyre: I'm sorry, could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face? Defense Attorney, next to the crying defendant: ...Crying? *flashback to Testimony #3* Lyre: And when this is over, I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna break those little fingers. Judge: Could the witness please stop threatening the stenographer? Quackity, with the Syndicate: Who's in charge here? Lyre, shrugging: Usually whoever yells the loudest. Sapnap: There r 20 letters in the alphabet, right? Lyre: Nope, there's 26. Toms: Ah, how could we forget the U, R, A, Q, T. Lyre: Aww, that's cute, but u're still missing 1. Sap: dw u'll get the D later. Lyre: Wilbur taught me to think before I act. Lyre: ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision. Saturn: I hate u. Rex: Well, according 2 this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue. Techno: I couldn't do this without u, mi amor. Saturn: Sure u could. Not as stylishly, of course. Wilbur: Quackity is playing hard 2 get. Wilbur: Little does he know, I'm a master at playing hard 2 get rid of. Saturn: u think u're smarter than every1 else. Techno: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am. Lyre: I’m 80% awesome 20% water & 100% handsome. Toms: That’s 200%. Lyre: I’m twice the man you’ll ever be. Harp: Lyre, is that legal? Lyre: When there's no cops around, anything's legal! Phil: Ayo, wat the FUCK is this?!? Lyre, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s wat. *Ti-Ti is crying after a breakup* Tubbs: There there, sis. Ti-Ti, still crying: Thanks, but how did u get in2 my room? Tubbo: Great question— Harp: I'm going 2 ask u 2 be respectful. Lyre: I will politely decline. Saturn: *nudges Techno at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl & the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Tech? Wake up, Technoblade! Listen! They're sexless! Techno: The sun isn't a rock, go back 2 sleep. Wilbur: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos, oh no, where did it go? Quackity: WILBUR WHAT THE FUCK?! Sapnap: u remind me of the ocean. Lyre: Because I'm deep and mysterious? Toms: No, because u're full of salt & u scare people. D'oro: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Rex meowing at each other from different rooms in the headspace. Quackity: Didn't you die?! Wilbur: That was weeks ago, dude. Things change. Wilbur: Damn, Tech, r u secretly cool? Technoblade: Well, poker is js math, so I guess it depends on if u consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool. Wilbur: I do not. -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit7:) Lyre: Toms, I don’t think I can handle any more of ur tomfuckery. Tommy: Oh ya? Well I can keep going until u’re all tomfuckered out! Wilbur: Punch me in the face. Quackity: ...Punch you? Wilbur: Yes, punch me, didn’t you hear me? Quackity: I always hear ‘punch me in the face’ while you’re speaking but it’s usually just subtext. Lyre: Hold on, I can explain! Badboyhalo: Rly? Can u now? Lyre: I can if u give me a minute to think of a convincing lie. Rex: I’m so excited! Lyre: We’re gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy... Rex: & have the biggest stomach aches ever! Lyre: Ya! Rec: u’re mean! Lyre: u’re meaner! Rex: Ya, well, u’re ugly 2! Lyre: u’re uglier! Rex: u’re a dumbass! Lyre: u think “dumberass” is a good insult! Evey1 irl: u look mentally ill. Us: we r. Let’s go. Saturn: Technoblade is forbidden from monologuing. Rex: Remember that time u dared me 2 lick a swingset? D'oro: No, I said "Rex, don't lick that swingset" and u said "Don't tell me what 2 do" and licked the swingset. Wilbur: Quackity, is that my mug you’re drinking out of? Quackity: No, it’s mine. Wilbur: It... looks just like the one I have... Quackity: You don’t have one like this anymore. Harp: r u rly planning 2 shoot the demon? Lyre: Don't worry, it's a holy gun. Harp: How so? Lyre: It makes holes. Tommy: I have a problem. Technoblade: Kill it. Tommy: Can you chill for like, two seconds? Rain: Ask me anything. Go ahead, I'll give u a straight answer. Ashton: y r we so fucking awesome? Rain: That's the best fucking question anybody's ever asked. Quackity: Go big or go home! Wilbur: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. Quackity: I'm going big! Saturn: What happened?! Lyre: Do you want the long version or the short version? Toms: Sh-short?? Lyre: Shit's fucked. Sapnap: Okay, long. Lyre: Shit's very fucked. Saturn: do u know y I called u in here? Techno: Because I accidentally sent u a dick pic. Saturn: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally? Rain: Do you want to be the Sun in my life? Ashton: Yes. Rain: Good, then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me :] Ti-Ti: I’m not so sure u’re stakeout material. Lyre: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this. Us: we don't need to go to bed. we're not tired, we'll be fine. Luka: But, Beanz, I'll be so lonely w/o u. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Us: O-oh. Well- HEY r u trying to seduce us in2 healthy sleeping patterns!!?? Luka: Is it working? Us:...... Yaa Rex: & what do I get o/ of this? Lyre: I will give u $1. Rex: What do u think I am? A chump? I would never do it for $1! Lyre: How 'bout $2? Rex: u got urself a deal. Lyre: Where did u get that tomato soup? Tommy: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved. Sapnap: ur future self is talking shit about u rn. Lyre, pulling o/ a cigarette: Jokes on him. I'll ruin it's fucking life. -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre, Toms and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit8:) Rex: *pulls back the curtain while D'oro is showering* Hey did we - oi stop screaming it’s me - did we run o/ of Cheerios? Us, throwing a pok`eball @ Luka: Luka, we choose u! Luka, not looking up from Broccoli's book & catching it: u need an Ultra ball to catch this Legendary Pokémon. Technoblade: Sry I’m late, I was uh... doing... ...things... Saturn: Hai, I’m ‘things’. Lyre: Dw, I know exactly wat I’m doing. Everything is going 2 be fine! Harp: How can you still say that? Lyre: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have. Techno: I owe u 1. Saturn: That’s ok. u can js date me and we’ll call it even. Wilbur: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first. Quackity: Rock. Wilbur: Paper. Tommy: Caffeine no longer keeps me awake while I work, so instead I have Phil periodically send me texts saying ‘we need 2 talk.’ It gives me the right amount of adrenaline and fear I need 2 keep going. Saturn: When I met u I thot u were a pretentious bitch. Techno: wat changed ur mind? Saturn: Oh, I still think u’re a pretentious bitch, I’ve js grown 2 like that about u. Luka: I fell— Us: From heaven? Tommy: What’s ur body count? Lyre: Do u mean sex or murder? Ashton: Dw, I have a permit. Rain: ...This js says “I can do what I want”. Technoblade: I could kill u if I wanted. Saturn: Ya? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a dedicated duck. u aren't special. Quackity: Look, last night was a mistake. Wilbur: A fun mistake. Quackity: No, just a regular mistake. Sap: Stay foxy. Lyre: Die lonely. Luka: u have 2 apologize 2 them guys. Us (mostly Lyre, Saturn and Rain) : Fine! But we must warn u that this might make us a better, nicer person and that is NOT the people u fell in luv w/! Ashton: *in a jail cell* Wat about my Miranda rights!? u’re supposed 2 say I have ‘the right 2 remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT 2 REMAIN SILENT! Rain: *in the cell next 2 him* u have the right 2 remain silent, wat u lack is the capacity. Rex: Here comes the lightning! *whispering* u've got 2 imagine it coming o/ my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard. D'oro: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad @ all. Asher (Ashton's big bro): wat can I do 2 jog ur memory. Fitz (Asher's BF): It’s jogging, Ig. ur tiddies r jiggling a lil. Asher: Nice. D'oro: Do u want a drink? Rex: I could go 4 some appy slices rn. D'oro: With a lil peanut butter 2 dip them in? Rex: FUCKING OF COURSE I WANT PEANUT BUTTER D'ORO! Tubbo: How did u break ur leg? Ti-Ti: Do u cc thos stairs? Tubbo: Yes. Ti-Ti: I didn't. Us: Wow, Luka, u want 2 hold my hand b4 marriage? How awfully lewd of u. Luka, amowsed: We literally Kissed yesterday. Us: That's NOTHING compared 2 the lewdness of holding hands. Luka: a bucha brooooos! Us: Chillin' in a hot tub! Luka: 5 ft apart 'cause we're not gay! Us:... Luka:.. Us: *tearing up* Luke: Beanz, c'mon... Us: & HERE U REALLY HAD US THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING. Luka: Beanz... Wilbur: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late. Quackity: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again. Star (Lyre's friend from his band): Well, I'm vry sry 2 hear about ur Stepmother. Lyre: Mmm, never liked her anygayz. Star: Oop, dam. Sapnap: I'm not mean. Name 1 mean thing I’ve ever done. Tommy: When we were younger, u convinced me eggs weren't real. Sapnap: They're not. Toms: Haha, vry funny. Lyrre: I'm serious. Didn't u hear? Tommy: No... what happened? Lyre: ...y do you always fall 4 that- Our (bio) parents: I regret nothing!!! Us: we regret everything!!! Saturn: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire. Lyre: But what if something else happens just this one time. Quackity: Thanks for pulling the fire alarm, you saved me from giving an oral report about The Scarlet Web. Wilbur: You were too lazy to read the book?! Quackity: I was too lazy to watch the movie. Lyre: u might not know this, Harp, but I am a flawed man Harp: I do know that. Rex: y do my arms shake & turn bright red when I’m eating dirt? D'oro: y r u eating dirt? Rex: Did I ask u if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question. Wilbur: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it. Quackity: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. Ashton: Rai & I r so close we even share a toothbrush. Rain: We what? Us: We’re getting married, bitches! Luka: & we're about 2 make it everybody else's problem Lyre: So we're gathered here today 4 a very special reason & I think u'll all agree with me here. & if u don't well then fuck u. I'm looking @ u, Sapnap, u jealous mop. Wilbur: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Quackity: What's that? Wilbur: Remorse code. Quackity: I'm even angrier now. Luka: My future partner(s) must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful & organized. Us (Rex bc this rly happened) : *steps on a caterpillar & proceeds 2 drop to their knees & sob while apologizing profusely* Luka: Those ones . I want those ones. Luka: y aren’t u guyz sleeping? Us: we're 2 busy plotting ur murder to sleep, lil Broccoli. Luka:.. Us: ...The nightmares. Luka: *wrapping their arms around Us* Awwww, Beanz- Us: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish 2 sit on a window bench with my lover(s), our legs tangling as we listen 2 the birds" & "Hey, let's go throw rocks @ fascists" & we think that's very kewl of us. Luka: If the window's open & u time it right, u can do both. Phil: Well Lyre, I have 2 say, I'm rly disappointed. Lyre: Well, u didn't HAVE 2 say it. u could've js thought it. Toms: u have an impressive pain tolerance. Lyre: Thx, it's the trauma. Wilbur: I'm going 2 take a shower, I'll be right back. Quackity: y r u telling me this, Idc. *right after Wilbur leaves the room* I miss him already. Lyre: *on the phone* Hey Bad, do u know my blood type? Dadboyhalo (yes dadboy not bad he is dad) : Of course, it's B-. Lyre: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-! Rex: Wat r amphetamines? Lyre: Drugs that can go on land & water. Rex: Ohhhh. Sap: Wait, wat's going on? r we all talking about how hot Lyre is? Bc Lyre is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A js stands for more ass. Quackity: Don't go to the kitchen. Wilbur: Why? Quackity: I saw a spider. Wilbur: Well, did you kill it? Quackity: It has 8 arms and I only have 2, it's not fair... Rex: How long do u think it'll take? D'oro: I don’t know, 3 or 4. Rex: 3 or 4 what? Days? Weeks? Months? D'oro: Ya, maybe 5. Rex: 5 what?! Us: I think we needa hug... Luka: Good thing I'm hug shaped! *45 minutes later* Us: u... *laugh* u can let go now. luka: No, I absolutely cannot. Rain: u have Crayons? Ashton: Yes, I have— Rain: u're— how old r u? Ashton: YES I AM AN ADULT & I HAVE CRAYONS, I HAVE A BOX OF EMERGENCY CRAYONS IN THE CABINET UNDER THE TV BECAUSE EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS SOMETIMES, OK? EVERYBODY NEEDS CRAYONS. Saturn: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed 2 close 2 the sun because he was down for Apollo? Techno (like the greek mythology nerd he is) : ICARUS? Us: u r the luv of our life & we would do anything within reason 2 make u happy. Luka: I would be happy if u ate, stayed hydrated & got a reasonable amount of sleep. Us: we said within reason, Broccoli. How about we murder that guy? Luka: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't? Us: Well, duh. Wat kind of question-- Tech: Wat’s the straightest thing u’ve ever done? Saturn: *sighs* I killed a man. Lyre: u know u've made it when u see ur picture everywhere u go. Bad: Those r wanted posters! Rex: I wish I could control wasps & bees 2 sting my enemies. D'oro: u’re 2 young 2 have enemies. Rex: u don’t even know. Wilbur: *seductively takes off glasses* Wow... Quackity: *blushes* Haha... wat? Wilbur: u're rly fucking blurry. Teacher: ur child was in a fight. Ranboo: Oh no, that’s terrible! Tubbo: Did they win? Ashton: Rain has only knocked me out 3 time this week. Our friendship is really developing. Wilbur: Wat the hell is wrong w/ you? Lyre: Loaded question. Elaborate. Quackity: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?! TIME OUT! GET ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE! GET UP THERE! Wilbur: *Climbing* THIS HOUSE IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!!! Harp: When surrendering, Lyre is 2 hand the sword over HILT first. D'oro: Good morning! Lyre: Is it? Is it really? Saturn: u believe me? Techno: Luv, u’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided ur hair this morning. Harp: I feel so burnt out. Lyre: Dw, it'll be over soon. Harp: r u gonna... assassinate me? Lyre: Well not if u’re expecting it. Tommy, looking at our reflection: Now, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed 2 be? Lyre behind him: Well, that's us. Tommy: Me?! Is that what I look like? Lyre: u don't know? Toms: Busy day. -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre and ur lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit9:) Quackity: I’m proud 2 say I’ve come over my fear of ghosts! Wilbur: Eyy, that’s the spirit! Quackity: *gasps* whErE???!!!?? Technoblade: u want some leftovers? Wilbur: Wat r those? Technoblade: u've never had leftovers before? Wilbur: No, cuz I’m not a quitter. Saturn: Dammit, Wilbur, u ruined everything! Wilbur: u’re welcome. Tommy: Hey Quackity, can u give me the opposite of these words? Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down. lyre: Never, Going, 2, Give, You- The fucking satisfaction. Mumbo Jumbo: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. you've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might. Grian: I LIKE OREOS & PUSSY- Wilbur: So I’m the only 1 around here who can clean up, huh? u can't even lift a finger? Quackity: Do I get 2 pick the finger? Wilbur: *Pulls a glass of water from /o of nowhere* Technoblade: Where did u get that? Wilbur: My pocket. Techno: How do u keep a glass of water in ur pocket? Wilbur: Skills. Tommy: Hey, Ly'. What kind of flowers do u prefer? Lyre: I like sunflowers. Tommy, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit- Luka: Wat the hell were u thinking? Us: we heard releasing birds @ a wedding is romantic! Luka: u released OSTRICHES! Wilbur: How does one turn their emotions off? Quackity: Okay, so first go to settings. Quackity: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first. Wilbur: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next? Wilbur: Even Quackity and I have been getting closer. The other day, he gave me half of his sandwich. Quackity: I mistook him for a garbage can. Philza: u’re charged w/…..breaking into a pet store? Tommy: I thought the animals might be lonely. Lyre: We should normalize not loving family members. Harp: u can js say: “I hate my dumb fuck uncle” or wtv. Talk like a normal person! Olive: u either buckle down & do ur work or u’ll end up at McDonalds. Ti-Ti: We're going 2 McDonalds if I don't do my work? Ember: NO- Saturn: If I didn't know better, stella vitae meae, I'd say u were scared. Technoblade: Heh, scared? *absolute silence* Techno: DID U HEAR THAT?! Wilbur: A decision had to be made. Quackity: And you fucked it up! Luka: I don't know how to tell you this, but... I love you. Us: That's great, il nostro amore. Especially considering the fact we've been married 4 6 fucking years. Wilbur: Do dragons fart fire? Quackity: I don't know. Wilbur: I thought you went to college. Badboyhalo: We r not mad. We are js disappointed. Skeppy: No, we r mad. Bad: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this 1 slide. Skeppy: No, we’re not! Bad: I am not a mind reader, Skeppy! Harp: Isn’t a bit dangerous? Lyre: Harp, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt. Harp: ... Ly': Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt. Harp: ... Lyre: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home. Wilbur: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows. Quackity: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts. Quackity: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? Wilbur: Yes, and that’s coming from me. Tommy: Life is like Lyre. It's short. Ranboo: Ah shit, I forgot. Tubbo: Forgot what? boo: How do u expect me to answer that? Techno: What is ur favourite mythical story? Saturn: The Story Of My Will 2 Live. Techno: I don’t think I’ve heard of that 1 before. Saturn: exactly... Quackity: We have fun, don’t we, Wilbur? Wilbur: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life. Saturn: That was a joke. Say ha. Technoblade: Ha. Saturn: Now do it again. Techno: Ha. Saturn: Congratulations, u are officially the life of the party. Ashton: Why don’t you go talk to them? Rain, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure. Ashton: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen? Rain: They could hear me. Quackity: Did you buy eggs like I asked? Wilbur: Even better! Quackity: What the fuck did you- Wilbur: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy. -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre, Saturn and Luka's lil beanz🥦♡🕷️ (edit10:) Saturn: I think I just figured something out. I got to go. Techno: Aren't you forgetting something? Saturn: RIGHT!!! *kisses Techno's forehead before running /o.* Techno: I was gonna say pay ur bill but that works to I guess? *blush* Luka: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make u pancakes and bacon every morning. Us: This is a lie. I'm literally dating Broccoli. This is a lie. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS -- 🕷️♡🥦Lyre, Saturn and Luka's lil beanz🥦♡🕷️