Oh my Gods😭

So, many of you know that I sent an email out to my step mother, and this is how the rest of it went. 😭😭😭 Her response to my other email was "I'm really sorry to hear that you feel that way. It really breaks my heart. It is not your job though to be responsible for my feelings so I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share with me how you have been feeling. I feel like I do my best to always send something for the years you aren't with us, like last year. I know the ornament is what stands out to you, but that's just what I saved for summer because it's the tradition I've strived to cultivate for our family, to get a new ornament for our tree each year. We sent your Christmas gift at Christmas last year though, the cow print blanket and Billy the lego car. We send something every year for each of your birthdays. We do our best to always make sure we get you each something special. With only getting limited time with you, it's hard to know your interets or the one thing you are really hoping for unless you tell us. When you are out here, I really try to focus on creating memories through experiences and by doing things with you guys. I also haven't really bought you toys because you seem like you've outgrown them as you only seem to want to play on the tablet or switch. If you told me what toys you want, I'd be more than happy to buy you them. I'm also sorry you feel that I play favorites, but I love you all equally in your own unique ways. I do treat you ALL differently, because all of you are different and have different needs. You are treated differently than your brothers, because you are older so there is a different set of expectations which are reasonable for your age and are not reasonable for each of their ages. The expectations I have for Billy are also higher and set appropriately for his age and not the expectations I would have for Matthew. For the time you are with us, you and Billy are the priority though. I save money and plan around your visits so we can do fun things when your here, spend quality time, and make memories. I'm sorry that you don't feel that you have been made a priority or been made to feel important. Can you give me more details or examples of what has made you feel this way? Or give me suggestions of how you would like your visit at Christmas to be/future visits to go? While it is upsetting to hear you have felt this way, I also can't be a mind reader so I really want to use this opportunity to hear more from you so I can do my best to bridge the gap since you haven't always felt this way and with all of the major changes in the last years with our family dynamic clearly I have dropped the ball with you. Thank you for sharing with me, I know that must have been hard. Love you always!" **(SO SORRY SHE TYPED A LOT)** So I responded with "I'm not saying anything about needing toys, it's just more of me thinking it's a little unfair that Matthew gets these things and then you still let him play with Billy's stuff. Planning trips and things are fine, but the second I left over the summer you promised Billy all of these trips and experiences and did you do any of them? No, and how would I know? Because I talked to my brother. Nothing *MADE* me feel this way, I just don't like having constant anxiety that you and my father cause, because all of the yelling (whether it be at me, each other, whatever) I'm in therapy because of some of the stuff it's caused for me. I'm not going to go into detail because I don't need to. I don't want to come out for Christmas, or any other time at all. If I remember right, dad named Billy after himself, but then when you guys had Matthew, dad named Matthew after himself as well, because "I wanted to have a child named after myself" (don't quote me, I'm not sure what he said exactly). I'm not sure why you're telling me you're upset like it's something I should have kept you from being, and I'm completely aware you're not a mind reader, I'm not either, so how could you be? I don't know where you're getting the always, but you're right, I have always felt like this, because if you knew dad before he left mom, he was still basically the same person he is today. I understand he's trying to change, but in the past several years I have seen absolutely NO change from him. In my eyes he is still the big guy who scares me to death, Chelsea, he's absolutely terrifying when it comes to me and Billy. I don't know what you mean by "the change of family dynamic or dropping the ball, so please, elaborate. It was hard, especially seeing as I was having a pretty bad anxiety attack sending it, because I know that if I said any of it to you in person, someone (AS IN ME) was going to end up crying, because that seems to be a constant with you and dad." MY GOD Y'ALL THATS A LOT OF WORD'S I'M SO SORRY Anyways, it's still going good, I feel so relieved that I've been able to fix these things. <333