guys what is this called? (t//w)

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okay, so I have a weird relationship (is that the word? idk ykwim) towards men. I am attracted towards them, but also terrified. I don't want them staring at me , touching me, complimenting me, or talking to me if they're freaky. ik this is because of trauma, but I still have a strange attraction towards them. I want them to manipulate me, control me, stuff like that. I don't like it, because I have had relationships like that, and I hated them, but In some sick way, I miss it. ik its very contradictory, but is there some sort of sexuality that describes that? like cupioromantic, but strictly for men?
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